Failing Test: Book One of The Shadow Series Page 24

  “Then I would understand, but I have to see her. I can’t explain it,” said Test with certainty.

  “You don’t have to, son. I was in love once, too.”

  Chapter 26

  Nothingman

  The sun shone through the slits in the curtains and sprinkled her room with rays of light. With a couple of the rays stabbing at her eyes, Nicole stirred. She had been awakened from a dream of Test. This dream had been different than most in that it had been soothing. She could recall the feel of his touch as he held her, silently stroking her hair and gently kissing her forehead.

  She begrudgingly opened her eyes and looked at the clock. It was now eight o’clock, and she knew that in a few short hours she would be wearing her cap and gown, walking across the stage. Marcy was supposed to come over today, and they were going to get ready together. She had been a comfort for Nicole through everything.

  Nicole leaned up in bed and stretched her arms high to the ceiling, her ears filling with a hiss brought on by the intensity of her stretch. As she dropped her arms, her hearing returned, and she heard a tap on the window. Her heart raced. She couldn’t have heard a tap; she was on the second floor. Then it came again. She rolled her covers off and timidly stepped out of bed. She walked to the window and stopped with her hand barely touching the curtains, and then it happened again. Slowly she parted the curtains, holding her breath in fear of what she’d see on the other side. She looked out her window to see nothing but rain drops trickling down the glass. She placed her hand on the cold glass, and once again two taps came. She felt the vibration in the glass and quickly pulled her hand away. Though frightened, she was compelled to open the window. Reaching out into the rain, she waved her arms back and forth, feeling for something that obviously wasn’t there.

  “Hello, Nicole.”

  Nicole heard the voice from below and was stunned. She looked down into her yard. She could see someone hidden in amongst the pampas grass.

  “You still look beautiful in the morning.”

  “Oh my God, Test, what are you doing here?” asked Nicole, frantically looking up and down the street.

  “Can I come up? Please?” he begged.

  She was unsure of what to do. She wanted him, but she was afraid.

  “I don’t know, Test. Someone may be watching,” she replied nervously.

  “I’ve been here for an hour. I’ve looked all around, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone watching you, which actually surprises me. Please, can I come up?” he asked once more, stepping out from his hiding spot.

  “Yes, but—”

  Before she could finish her sentence, he pulsed to the window and grabbed at the sill. Nicole grabbed him by the back of his shirt and pulled him in. She hadn’t seen him in a week, and he looked horrible. She had never seen him with stubble. His face seemed to have aged years in just a week’s time. His hair was dirty and ragged, and it was obvious that he hadn’t had a bath in days. He stood before her, a pathetic and shivering version of the Test that she knew.

  “Thank you,” said Test breathing heavily.

  She replied uneasily, “You’re welcome.” She backed away and sat on the edge of her bed. “You have to be quiet. My parents are home.”

  He nodded and walked towards her. As he did, she squirmed in her seat. He stopped.

  “I didn’t come here to upset you and if this is the last time I see you, then so be it. I had to see you though; I had to tell you.” As he spoke, his voice trembled.

  Nicole looked around the room restlessly. “Tell me what?” she asked.

  She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. She was afraid that if her eyes caught his that she would get lost in them. Instead she twirled the edge of her nightshirt around her index finger.

  Test watched her intently; afraid of an outcome contrary to what was in his heart. He was hoping that Nicole would take him in her arms and tell him everything that he wanted to tell her, but that wasn’t happening. Finally he forced himself to speak.

  “I love you, Nicole, and I’m sorry for everything that has happened. I can’t change it, and I can’t change me.” He stood with his arms crossed, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “I wish that things could have been different. I wish a lot of things.”

  Nicole watched him as he rocked. This was the man she had fallen in love with, the soft and gentle person who painted with words his thoughts and feelings. She felt guilty about her reluctance to be with him. The dream that she had just awakened from was playing in her mind. She opened her mouth several times, the words only a fraction away from leaving her lips, until finally her breath thickened into words.

  “I . . . I love you, too, Test,” she replied with a tear rolling down her cheek.

  She stood from her bed and walked to him. His hair still dripping with water, she wiped his forehead and stroked his cheek gently, cupping it within her palm.

  “I’m going to put on some music,” she said in a whisper.

  He stood entranced, mesmerized by her touch. With a few seconds’ delay, he nodded as she crossed the room.

  Nicole walked to her dresser and pushed the play button on the stereo. She had been listening to the song “Nothingman” by Pearl Jam. It made her think of him, especially over the last couple of weeks. She turned up the volume, though not too loud, and then walked back to him.

  Test’s face remained tense as he spoke. “Nice ch—”

  Nicole quickly put her index finger to his lips.

  “Shhh,” she said softly. “It makes me think of you.”

  Test took her into his arms, and the couple danced. The energy between them was undeniable, and as Nicole looked up to his rugged face, she softly pressed her lips to his. With reluctance, she pulled back and looked into his sad eyes.

  “I wish I could say it will all be okay, Test, but I don’t know that.”

  Test put his right index finger to her mouth and said, “Shhh.” He pulled her back into his arms firmly and continued to dance. This is the image of Nicole that he wanted to have etched in his mind. The music stopped, and they continued to hold each other, dancing to the hiss of the speakers.

  With her head on his chest, Nicole asked, “How would you like a hot bath and a change of clothes?”

  “That sounds great,” replied Test, cracking a grin.

  She walked into her bathroom and pulled out a towel for him. As she returned, she stopped in the doorway, noticing the expression on his face that she hadn’t seen since that first night at her house. Innocence and desire, for her it was an intoxicating combination.

  “Why don’t you stay in here, and I’ll go see if I can get you a set of clothes from my dad’s stuff. I think they’re both in the basement reading the paper.”

  “You’re amazing,” replied Test, pulling her into him once more. With his face buried in her hair, he inhaled her scent deeply.

  She pushed off him and walked backwards the ten steps to her bedroom door, carrying an awkward smile on her lips as she reached back blindly for the door knob. “I’ll be right back,” she replied.

  She walked out of her bedroom, and into the hallway. As she closed the door behind her, she leaned back against it and collected her thoughts. With a kick, she pushed herself off the door and peeked over the railing, seeing and hearing nothing. She walked softly down the stairs, careful to avoid the two spots on the staircase that creaked loudly, and into her parents’ bedroom. She opened her dad’s closet and grabbed a red-patterned, pearl-snap buttoned shirt, and then turned and grabbed a pair of jeans off the pile of freshly folded clothes that her mother had left at the foot of her bed. From a couple of rooms away, she stood at attention as the sound of a door slamming shut echoed through the house. In a panic, she ran out of the bedroom and up onto the stairs.

  “Nicole?” she heard her mother yell.

  Frozen between a stride spanning three stairs, she gripped the railing tightly and replied, “Yeah, Mom?”

  “I just wanted to make sure that you were up. W
e need to be there a little after one, and I didn’t want you sleeping in all morning and not being ready,” said her mother snidely.

  With a sour expression, Nicole shook her head in resentment. “I’m fine, Mom. Marcy’s coming over in a few hours anyway.”

  “Okay then, I shouldn’t have to wait on you, right?”

  “No, Mom, I’ll be ready,” replied Nicole, rolling her eyes as she slapped her hand on the railing.

  She ran up the remainder of the stairs and into her bedroom. Closing the door behind her, she walked to the bathroom and found Test sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He looked like a wreck. She couldn’t even imagine what he had been through in the last week, and she really didn’t want to think about it. All that she wanted was for him to feel better, and she was going to do what she could to help.

  “Here are some clothes. They might be a little big, but they’re clean and dry,” she said tenderly.

  Test looked at the country-style shirt with a smile. With a huff and a tired grin, he held the shirt up in front of him. “Never thought I’d wear something like this.”

  “I don’t know, I think you’ll look pretty good in that,” she replied, her face flushing.

  He stood and walked to her. They stared at each other, neither willing to break eye contact, but neither acting on the energy between them. Part of her wanted him, but in the end she knew what had to be done.

  “I’m going to go and find you a razor. Why don’t you get your bath going and come on out when you’re done?” said Nicole, her hands gripping his biceps.

  Test rocked back on his heels. “Right, thanks,” he replied, feeling somewhat rejected and embarrassed.

  Test closed the door behind her, and she walked to the window. Noticing that the rain had stopped, she looked to the sky. Ominous-looking clouds churned as they moved quickly to the northeast. She opened the window and was struck by a surprising blast of cool air. Overcome with a chill, she closed the window and went back to her bed. She lay in silence, trying not to think, and examined the swirl patterns on the ceiling.

  After about fifteen minutes, the bathroom door opened. Test looked handsome in her dad’s clothing. He looked excitingly different to her and she couldn’t take her eyes off him. With his scruffy face and his hair a little longer than usual, the urge to pounce on him was difficult to overcome.

  He stood scratching at the stubble on his face. “Got that razor?” he asked, smiling uncomfortably.

  In a trance, she replied, her tone intentionally bland in an attempt to hide her attraction. “No, I couldn’t find one.” She had never even looked for one.

  He walked to her with confidence and with purpose. He took her face in his hands and forcefully pressed his lips to hers. Her body was rigid and he could feel the hesitation in her lips. After a moment, she pushed him away.

  She stood in front of him with her arms crossed and her bottom lip quivering. “I can’t, Test.”

  “Why?” he replied with sad eyes.

  “Test . . .” She paused. “I can’t go with you. I can’t be with you. I just can’t live like that. I love you, but I just can’t be with you.”

  Deep down, he knew this was how it was meant to be, but with every breath, he found it impossible to stop the tears from coming. He looked into her eyes, and though he couldn’t completely understand, he attempted to smile and be strong.

  “I understand. And you know…I…it’s…it’s okay. I just wanted to make sure that you knew I was sorry . . .” He choked as his emotions began to get the better of him. “And that I . . .”

  Once more, Nicole put her index finger to his lips and shook her head.

  He brushed her bangs from her face and leaned into her, giving her a kiss on the cheek and whispering softly in her ear. “I love you.”

  He walked to the window and without looking back, opened it and jumped to the ground. He didn’t have the strength for flight so instead; he walked down the street with his head hanging low.

  Nicole remained paralyzed in her room, the numbness within her almost audible. She sat on her bed and mindlessly turned on the television. Filling every channel were pictures of the old armory in the middle of town.

  Chapter 27

  Never Perfect

  Cliff stood alone, looking out the window. While he wasn’t in his prison cell any longer, he found it hard to see the difference; confinement was confinement whether he was by himself in a fallout shelter or in an old elevator, the results remained the same. He had been watching the clouds develop in the southwest. It had been raining earlier in the day, making it hot and humid, since then it had become overcast and cooled off drastically. It now seemed to be warming back up, and the wind was increasing. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a figure standing next to the giant oak. Adjusting his broken glasses and squinting hard, he realized that it was Test. His new clothing had briefly confused Cliff, but even without entering his mind, he knew where Test had been.

  Test heard the door open and he really didn’t care if it was Cliff, the Pope, or the police. His world was crumbling around him, and he felt powerless to do anything about it. Every time he felt a glimmer of hope, it was snatched from him. He thought about the poem that he had written for Nicole.

  Every time I see the light coming, I know the sunset’s not far behind.

  The line had taken on a new meaning to him. No longer did it relate to actual sunsets. It was a metaphor for his life.

  “What you doin’, son?” asked Cliff, walking up behind Test.

  Without turning, Test replied, “If you don’t mind, I need some time alone, my friend.”

  “You seen her, didn’t you?” asked Cliff as he removed his glasses.

  Test couldn’t look at him. He just stared off into the western sky.

  “I’m sorry, son. I know how much you care for her. Sometimes things are out of your control.”

  “Sometimes?” he replied, turning to Cliff aggressively. “When is something going to go my way?” he continued in a defeated voice. “When will I get to go home, see my mother, walk in a mall, anything, ever again? I’ve tried to rationalize it all in my mind, Cliff. I really have tried. I thought that by helping you, karma might cut me a break.”

  In that moment, a crack of lightning shot through the afternoon sky. In the last few minutes, the sky had grown considerably darker and more menacing.

  “Come on back inside, son. Looks like you got you some fine clothes, and I don’t see no sense in you being miserable and wet,” said Cliff with his hand on Test’s shoulder.

  Test looked to his friend and managed to muster a smile. Cliff put his arm around Test in a fatherly way and walked him back to the elevator. As they reached the door, the wind whipped back and forth, and the rain began to drive down in sheets. Once inside, they watched out the window. The sky filled with a greenish glow, the clouds rolling inside themselves feverishly.

  “Hail’s a comin’,” said Cliff with a look of concern on his face.

  Test paid him no attention. He was too busy wallowing in self-pity. He didn’t know what to do or where to go. He knew he couldn’t live here for the rest of his life, and he couldn’t expect Cliff to stay. All that he could promise was the act of getting carried around piggyback from city to city hoping that there was a community in the world that didn’t know who they were. Every thought process that Test could have came to a dead end. He truly had failed in every direction.

  “Oh Lord! There’s a tornado!” yelled Cliff.

  Test snapped to attention. “What? Are you sure? I don’t hear any sirens, Cliff,” he replied, quickly moving to the window and peering out.

  “Me neither, but trust me. It don’t take no meteorologist to know what that is!” replied Cliff as he pointed out the window.

  He was right. Directly south of them, about two miles away, was a large tornado moving northeast through the city. It hadn’t touched down yet, but was already becoming wrapped with debris. Test’s heart took off. He looked to Cliff, whose e
yes were as big as saucers.

  “What do we do?” asked Test.

  “I’d reckon we need to find a cellar or somethin’,” replied Cliff.

  “You think it’s coming this way?”

  “It’s too hard to tell, but I know it’s close enough that if it did turn, we’d be done talkin’!” replied Cliff.

  “I have some bad news for you then, my friend. I’ve been over every inch of this place, and I can promise you that there is no basement or cellar, nothing.”

  Suddenly the old man developed a blank stare. Test watched a little confused. Behind them, what was left of the window was sucked outward. Instinctively and scared, Test grabbed Cliff’s arm.

  “Get away from the glass!” he screamed.

  Cliff remained in place with no response. It was as if he was in another place.

  “Cliff!” Test screamed again.

  The old man blinked twice and then turned slowly to Test. Staring at him in horror, he shook his head.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Test frantically.

  Cliff wouldn’t answer. Test grabbed him by the shoulders and screamed, “What is the matter, Cliff? Tell me!” he demanded.

  “Graduation is today. That’s what you said this morning, right?” asked Cliff in a hollow voice.

  Test felt the hairs on his arms stand up. “Yeah, what about it?” he replied.

  Cliff looked outside. The tornado had now passed out of their line of vision.

  Test turned to look out the window, his heart sinking with the realization of what Cliff was talking about.

  “No,” he said in disbelief.

  “I saw it, son. All them kids and their families, they don’t have any time,” said Cliff.

  Every cell in Test’s body now came to life. He felt the strength and power surging through his veins.

  “I have to do something.”

  “I know,” replied Cliff. “Don’t worry about me. In fact, I don’t suppose I’ll be here if you return. I’ll be slowin’ you down, and besides, I’m too old for all of this nonsense,” he said with a wink.